Judgement – An effective distraction from our own crap piles

On a small island we get to see community with the good and the hmmmm challenging, and it’s very easy to observe and be impacted if we so choose, because there are so few of us.

This week I’m hiding the bedsheets, the ropes, the lashes, making sure there are no hangin’ ropes on trees. It’s been a week of judgy, judgy, judgy …… blame, blame, blame …… should, should, should……. on FaceBook or should we say, FacelessBook, say what you want without having to look the person in the face.

…….. and yes I am not innocent in this, my Itty Chitty Bitty Committee/Monkey mind/Internal dialogue has been in on the action, yeee haaa! We are sooooo entertained, there’s so much to judge, and now I even get to make a blog post about it……

What I have noticed about myself this week, I still distract myself from my own crap by induldging myself in judging others.

What I noticed was that every judgement I had was related to something about me that was unresolved, not forgiven, in need of some healing ……. yes, yet again, the journey continues.

So when that awareness arose to the surface again I thought ……. (Man I love my dots, okay no, just distracted again)

  • Perhaps the only love the addict experiences daily is from their dog, and is the only thing keeping them alive
  • Perhaps the logging is to pay for someones end of life care as they have Alzheimers
  • Perhaps someone choosing to not get vaccinated is the choice that keeps them alive

Perhaps none of the above is true ……..

What is true is that I can’t possibly know, and I’ll make a more positive impact on myself and the world at large, by healing myself and going out into the world a more healed being, rather than sitting in judgement of myself and others. That will just lead to more icecream (I Scream) and unhappiness, which is such a waste on a beautiful island full of beautiful people.

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada, focus, perspective, attention, Internal dialogue, fear, compassion, balance, fearless, happy, chaos, rebirth, COVID-19, community

Where are you putting your focus? Is it making you happy or fearful?

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada, focus, perspective, attention, addiction, sobriety, feelings, hope

Addicts are warriors in their own right!

So in my previous blog post I said I would tell you how I got successfully sober, I did everything listed below and more. My ‘story’ of that time is really not important, and I have told it before. Right now I do not need to revisit that whole story to share the juice of sobriety.

Suffice as to say ….
I was in deep addiction, I manifested dropping the bottom out of all my basic needs support systems, couldn’t pay the rent, nowhere to go, disillusioned with even considering I could get sober again for the umpteenth time, thought I had tried everything, year long addiction program, self help, healing ceremonies and rituals, leaving my addictive mate over and over again, and going back to him over and over again, I was hope free. However …. I had an amazing compassionate supportive circle of people in my life. My closest shamanic sister said the magic words I probably couldn’t have heard from anyone else.
“You can’t get sober and hold it staying in your life!” So I asked for help from my shamanic teachers, which led to a ‘Yes be out in BC on our land in 3 weeks, leave your car, I know you can do it, goodbye’ (I lived in Ottawa at the time). So, I closed up 3 business, sold, recycled and stored the balance of my possessions in about 3 different friends places, got gifted money from clients and my mom, broke up with my mate, kissed my adult daughter and family goodbye, and landed in BC 3 weeks later. Not quite sure how the heck I’d pulled it off. Ever seen ‘Galaxy Quest’ when the main character get’s shot from the spaceship to earth in the ‘jelly capsule’? Remember his reactions when he landed ….. same!
AND then the healing in sobriety began.

I have a lot of information below. Beware the dreaded overwhelm. If you feel so inclined pick one thing to try initially, do not set yourself up for failure by putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. Getting to sobriety is a journey that you start in addiction. Slowly, slowly you gain wisdom, knowledge and enough experience to get to successful sobriety. Remember you are always doing the best you can in each moment, even when it doesn’t look pretty!     Sometimes it helps to see the little innocent child you were, help her/him/they to heal, get a photo, stick it somewhere to tap into that energy. Be gentle with yourself, as often as you can, and if you can’t perhaps that can be a goal?

Addiction is a way to numb pain
It is not in the substance or behaviour it’s in the brain

Do not ask: Why am I an addict?
Ask: What is causing me pain!

Dr. Gabor Maté, the preeminent authority on addiction today: a quick 3:25 mins. video on addiction

There is one underlying principle to sobriety, it is the ability to feel your pain and heal the traumas that have/are creating the pain.

Which if you could’ve done it alone you would have.
How many times have you tried ….. lots I am betting
You are not weak, it is not a matter of self control
You are brave, you are strong, you do battle every day in order to survive
You are warrior even if you do not feel that way right now

So you want to get sober ….
Are you doing it for you?

Getting sober for others, or because you think/feel you ‘should’ is a waste of time and energy, and just layers more guilt, shame and blame on top of that huge pile you’ve already accumulated each time you do not succeed.

Set yourself up for success:
~ Go for sobriety when you desire it with all your heart for yourself
~ Ensure your have un-judgemental compassionate support in place from day one of sobriety
~ Know that you are willing to make the radical changes necessary to support your sobriety
~ Know that you are willing to start the process of healing the pain and trauma of your past
~ Make sure you know where to get medical help if you need it.

So …..
Heal the pain and trauma = Sobriety
Sounds simple, well it’s not …..

The missing link to sobriety for many, is having a person or people who will hold a space for you with compassion for you to heal your trauma.

Which is why AA, NA, etc. are so popular, but in the end you need to stop telling your stories about addiction, it will not help you stay sober. It will keep you locked into your past, always afraid that you might go back into addiction. You will be a dry addict, not actively using in that moment, but holding your breath waiting for the next excuse that will validate going back into addition.

Sobriety takes
~ Healing while in addiction
~ Self awareness of your patterns, buttons, back doors. Not all at once, just start watching yourself, get to know how you tick.
~ A willingness to take responsibility for your actions
~ Understanding that stress is one of your biggest challenges. The more stressed you are the greater the risk that you will use. First stress of the day: you breathe deeply, 2nd stress you’re swearing, 3rd stress you kick something, 4th stress you’re yelling, 5th stress you’re white knuckling it, you’re overwhelmed, you cave and use. I’m not saying this is your pattern just an example of stress escalation.

Sobriety takes
~ Strategies, strategies lots of them, strategies are your friend.
No one strategy works all the time, so have lots

~ Knowing your ‘sweet spot’ as within that ‘sweet spot’ lies your greatest chance of success. It is those moments when you are so tired of the addiction dance you crave sobriety for you, as well as having practical matters aligned. i.e. a support system, a sober place to stay, medical support if needed and strategies. By extension know when you are most at risk. Where are you, how do you feel, what stresses you out. (This is a strategy)

~ Practice, patience and persistence – the 3 ‘P’s’ I used to call it and would use it as a mantra as well (This is a strategy)
If you think you don’t have those skills ……. Surprise! …. Yes you do.
Think of your determination when needing to score, the skills you used…. practice, patience and persistence. How often did you not score when you wanted to ……. yeh exactly, you got this!
Use those skills for your sobriety, it’s the exact same skill set just with a different goal.

Sobriety takes
~ Acknowledging your successes – Think of all those times you didn’t use when you wanted to, I promise you those moments far outweigh the moments you cave and use. Carry around a wee notebook and pen, every time you want to use and don’t mark it down, do not mark down when you cave, this is an acknowledging success piece (This is a strategy)

~ Mark each day of sobriety some how, whatever works for you. Make it visual. For 5 years I put a bead every day sober onto a string, and hung the strings around the room I lived in the most. (This is a strategy)

Sobriety takes
~ A willingness to keep fighting for yourself by doing your healing of past trauma(s)
~ It takes erasing your past history, not sitting in a circle rehashing your war stories, all that does is take your right back to those moments and keeps those memories alive.

Sobriety takes
~ Many attempts at sobriety, before you have a totally successful sobriety, sobriety that sticks. I have never heard of someone who tried first time and succeeded, I’m not saying it can’t happen it’s just not the norm.
If you were learning a new skill, trail and error would be expected,
so cut yourself some slack, at this point sobriety is a new skill.
You have found a way to numb your pain, forget your trauma for a little while, and now you’re asking yourself to take away the proverbial net.
That is no easy decision ….. it takes courage ….. you are a warrior!
Oh yes, I hear that negative internal dialogue, judging yourself, heaping guilt, shame and blame on yourself, ‘I’m not a warrior, what shit is she spewing,?” Blah, blah, blah. A lot of that may have been heaped on you from friends, family and/or society at large …. Guess what F_ _K them, they do not know your pain, your trauma, your battle, if they did they would have compassion, not judgement.
Compassion for yourself will be a huge turning point in your ability to attain and/or maintain sobriety, and increase your ability to do the courageous stuff, to heal.

My turning point as far as compassion for myself was about 3 months into my successful sobriety. As part of my healing journey the woman who was facilitating it gave me some homework. I was to read Gabor Maté’s ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts – Close encounters with addiction’. I got the pieces I personally needed to have compassion for myself, and it rocked my world, it changed how I felt about myself dramatically.

Sobriety takes
~ The courage to get back on the horse if you go back into addiction
~ Learning what shakes you out of balance, your triggers, mirrors of self-reflection, your energy patterns.
Sobriety takes
~ Changing your life.
~ Cutting out anyone in your life that is an addict or linked to that world. That back door needs to be closed.
~ Closing all back doors to excuses to use, which means cutting out anyone in your life that uses substances or behaviours that were your addictions, IF they will not abstain when you’re around. This bit isn’t for life, but it takes many years in my experience before it’s not a trigger.
Now this then means quite often that to get sober you will have to leave a lot of people that you love/like behind. If you do not, your odds of being successful are unlikely. It can be a lonely road, but you have a choice doing all the work needed to become sober and leaving back doors open so you can fail with a convenient excuse, or getting ruthless and closing them all. You are a warrior you can take the path that leads to you winning the war not just one battle.

Sobriety takes
~ Forgiveness, you have to forgive yourself, you’re doing the best you can, and you keep trying
~ Cleaning up any messes you made while in addiction, owning your shit and apologizing for it, without expectation of forgiveness. You do it to clean up your emotional slate, regardless of their reaction. This is a friggin’ hard one, but really important. Make sure you have compassionate support when doing these pieces. You know that huge shit pile of shame, blame, guilt and self judgement, these are the additional pieces you added to the pile over and above the initial traumas that led to you choosing addiction as a means to survive your pain.

Another huge piece of unwrapping the puzzle for me anyway was with a biofeedback machine, from the HeartMath institute. With a simple program on the computer I was to get the program into ‘coherence’, the sweet spot where I was happy. So once I had that down, I started to play with my thoughts to see where some of my triggers were. I got the machine into coherence and thought one word ‘Cocaine’, my coherence vanished into the toilet, that didn’t surprise me, to this day 11 years later, I get butterflies in the stomach thinking the word.
What did surprise me, was that even though I got right back to thinking the thoughts that got me into coherence the first time, it took 3X as long to get me back to my happy place. This was shocking and illuminating to me. No wonder when we use ‘whatever’, the ability to stop gets harder and harder. We are less and less ‘at choice’, and this brings us to neurochemistry.

Which I know I said I’d deal with in this blog post, but I’m done for today. I’ll put it in my next one.

Dr. Gabor Maté videos – How Addiction Works –  (There are many videos on YouTube, I’ve just picked one)
Dr. Gabor Maté books
HeartMath Institute

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada, focus, perspective, attention, addiction, sobriety, feelings, hope

Addiction is an adaptation to survive

This is a touchy subject that creates strong reactions. If you think I’m full of shit that’s okay, your truth is your own, all I can do is share my truth at this particular moment in time.

You are always doing the best you can even if it doesn’t look pretty.

I was recently in a group where someone mentioned an addict with disgust and contempt. This attitude is quite common in my experience. I intellectually know it is about them, whether a mirror for themselves, or having been in relationship with an addict, or just general ignorance. Whatever it is it pisses me off, and yes pissing me off is ‘my’ stuff as I was once an addict for many, many years. That also gives me a unique perspective into addiction. Which is the reason for this blog post and at least one more to come. I don’t talk about my experience with addiction much anymore, as telling the story takes me right back there, rekindling those memory pathways of an old story that does not serve me. However my intuition has nudged me, letting me know it was important to tell it today.

Addiction is a disease …. oh bite me. Even if you believe that, it’s a disease that can be cured. Not everyone succeeds, but that is true of a lot of diseases. You are not fated to carry around the “I am an addict banner”, once successfully sober. More on the “successfully sober” bit in later posts.

So how I define addiction: any behaviour that you do repetitively to deflect your attention from your reality and your pain, that negatively affects you and by extension your life. That creates imbalance even if it is a means to an end. Addiction is not in the substance, addiction is in the behaviour.

We are an addictive culture, it is common for people to use addiction as a way to survive the stress of daily life, past trauma (acknowledged or not), fear of the unknown and many other things that make us uncomfortable. What is uncommon is people realizing and/or admitting it, especially before it is affecting their lives in extreme ways.

We learn to adapt to our environment starting from birth, adapting at all costs to survive. We are at the mercy of our caregivers whether they are nice or not and society at large. So we change who we are to fit in, to be loved, to be taken care of, and once we grow up we’ve often forgotten or indeed have no awareness at all of those bit by bit changes we made in order to make ourselves feel safe.

In order to feel safe, self-soothe or escape the pain of our reality, some of us retreat within ourselves, becoming meek and quiet. Others of us fight for ourselves and our childhood is peppered with discord within our relationships, or become people pleasers always helping everyone. Some of us become over-controlling as a way to feel ok, and others becoming mean or a bully to reduce the feeling of helplessness. Some start with addictive behaviours to self-sooth, often with food as the first addiction. Other’s become pompous asses to hide feelings of inadequacy.  No one is better or worse than another, they are all a way to stop the feelings of pain that comes with betraying ourselves (remembered or not), the anger at unjust treatment, lies, deceptions, not being given unconditional love, and for some not even having their daily basic needs met, and having nowhere to go or no-one that believes you or in you. It is a way for some of us to stop wanting to blow our brains out, escape this reality and not feel or hurt again.

…….. So now you’re an adult.

If you are an addict it is okay,
congratulations you found a way to survive,
not everyone does.

I encourage you, to not to go into judgement, shame and blame, or if you do, forgive yourself as often as is necessary and carry on doing the best you can. This blog and the one(s) to come are meant to give you hope that sobriety is possible. If you’re an addict you are on a journey which is giving you skills and abilities that you can cross-train to attain sobriety. If you are not an addict well, here’s a window into the world of a woman who once was.

Shame, blame and judgement are damaging emotions, and counterproductive to sobriety. In fact they kept me locked into addiction like a vice.

A week in the head of the addict I used to be.
An average addictive week starting on a Monday …

– Off to work feeling depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally
– I got high Friday and Saturday night, not Sunday as I had to work today, so that was something
– I vowed to not use again when I woke up on Sunday morning

Now the weekly game is afoot, because the first thing I want to do to not feel my emotional pain, is to use again.
– My infernal internal dialogue is off and running, all day long as usual…..
Judgement, judgement, judgement “How could you use again, why can’t you be stronger, why can’t you just say no, look at the money you spent, see how bad you feel now, but I want to use, you can’t use, I want to use, you can’t use, I know I vowed I wouldn’t but ……. I want to.” Rinse repeat, rinse repeat, rinse repeat.

– I need to escape from myself and my continuous judgement and internal dialogue. I cannot I am trapped in my own head.
– I need to escape the push and pull of wanting to use and saying no, over and over and over again.
– I can’t make my head shut up, my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee is working overtime
– I feel awful, physically, mentally, emotionally I am a basket case
– My neurochemistry is now so low my ability to even fight my desires are at a really low ebb.
– “It’s only Monday you can hang on until Friday Michele, you cannot work hungover you know that, okay, push through it, perhaps by Friday you’ll feel better and not want to use”

But nothing changes, I fight with my overwhelming desire to use all week long.

I have made it to Friday. I have accomplished sobriety for 5 days in a row. Hooray for me. Unfortunately I still want to use, and now I have been doing battle with myself for approx. 130 hrs straight I am exhausted. I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m sooo tired of the battle, I hate myself, I am disgusted by my inability to not want to use, disgusted by my previous behaviour, what is wrong with me, why can’t I just say no.
I cannot hold the pain and stay present anymore.

– It’s Friday, I’ll just get high tonight, no work tomorrow
– F..k it I’m going to score
– Then I have to go about acquiring it, and seeing as booze isn’t my thing, I can’t just go to the store, so…. (Just imagine the stress of acquiring an illegal substance, that you may or may not even be able to get and now that you’ve said yes to yourself, you are let’s say … very determined. Anxious to be able to get or not get, anxious to not get busted. I was lucky I never got busted, and if you think getting busted would have stopped me from using as soon as I got out back then, you are wrong.)

And so I score and I use again,
– Oh sweet holy h_ll, I feel good and I feel happy for the first time all week.
– No more pain, emotional, physical or mental.
– Zippidy do da zippidy day, my oh my what a wonderful day!
– I am out of my body, out of my head, my internal dialogue is gone. I get to focus on anything other than wanting to use.
– But of course once it’s gone, then begins the slow slide back to the hell of the reality I have created
– I wake up sober in absolute horror over having used yet again and what I did when I used. When we mind alter with anything, it changes how we act and behave.
– My constant companions judgement, shame and blame show up as usual, creating a new layer of emotional pain. Addicts are really really good at beating themselves up, we don’t need any help really, we got this!
– Hungover and now feeling so bad about my behaviours on top of depressed, overwhelmed and stressed …….

– It’s Saturday – using last night has tipped the scales on my ability to fight. I don’t have to work tomorrow.
– I’m going to use ….. I’m done!
– I’ll stop tomorrow, I’ve got work on Monday …….

“Just Say NO!”  ………   What a load of crap!
Now there was a campaign that wiggled its way into the hearts and minds of many.

What a lovely thought ‘Just say No”. Why didn’t I think of that……

All be it perhaps well intentioned, that campaign has done soooo much harm to addicts I can’t even tell you. That ridiculous campaign,  became embedded in the beliefs of  western culture.

Addicts say ‘No’ to themselves all day long, constantly fighting to not cave to their addiction, fighting their overwhelming sense of disgust with themselves, fighting the pain, fighting the judgement, shame and blame they heap on themselves.

I no longer dance with addiction, but admittedly I still on occasion eat too much sugar and indulge in zoning out with movies and tv. The difference is now I have so many years of sobriety and a mountain of healing work behind me. I have the advantage of neurochemistry that is not in the toilet, and the wisdom to know myself well and what strategies I need to implement, so that I do not allow those those behaviours to go unchecked for very long.

I now consider myself healed from addiction, with a predisposition for addictive tendencies. I do not fear falling back into the need to mind alter to get away from the life I have and am creating. I also now know that where my neurochemistry is at, which dramatically changes how I am feeling, and by default how ‘at risk’ I might be to depression. Depression for me was what was underlying my addiction in the past, and is probably underlying almost everybody’s addictive behaviours.

My next post will deal with how I got sober and some sciency stuff, to help explain our neurochemistry a bit more.

Q & A with a hand full of bullshit thrown in for good measure
We only react to things that we have ‘stuff’ with.
So why do you need that glass of wine/joint/codeine/etc. every day?
Imagine that you will never be able to get alcohol/joint/codeine/etc. of any sort again?
How do you feel now?
Is there a wee bit of panic rising, discomfort?

What is that glass of wine/joint/codeine/etc. doing for you? What’s the gain, there’s always a gain?

“Well I only have one glass of wine everyday, I’m not an addict”
“I only drink/toke socially”
“I toke, but doesn’t everyone and it’s legal now, doesn’t make me an addict”
“Exercising 3 hrs every day is good for me, not addiction”
“My doctor prescribed these”
“I only shop all the time to get the deals, and the shipping is free! I’ve got Amazon Prime”
“I’m just having a challenging time right now”
“I’m not an addict, I can stop whenever I want” (This is my favourite piece of bullshit)
“I only get high on the weekends” – This was my bullshit and my control mechanism, most of the time

Blah blah blah …… At a certain point we own our truth and things get better from there

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada, spring

Spring is Sprung, the Grass is Riz, I wonder where my Healing Ceremony Is?

I love puns, corny poetry, so welcome to my world.

Happy Spring one and all. I have a ceremony for any who would like it and a free consult session to go with it. Start your spring by releasing and rebirthing into a new you.

1.5 – 2 hrs
Can be done indoors or outdoors

Creating ‘me time’ and a sacred space in which to reflect, release and emerge into the new you. The new you shining, envigorated, bursting, budding like nature at this time of year.

1 large sheet of paper or poster board
3 pieces of paper or cardboard approx. 3” x 5”
Pen, marker, or coloured felt pens
Compass (Unless you know the directions of the area you will work within)
4 rocks or crystals willing to hold the energies of the 4 cardinal directions* (See below)
Reflection Bowl: Container with water, not a lot. It will be used as your reflection focus. If you have a beautiful bowl and it’s feasible to bring it with you, well yaay, beauty is good.

Are ya game? Contact me and I will send it to you, then we can set up a call to discuss.

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada

Why Actions Surrender to Reactions when You’re under Stress. Is this an app.?

Well most of you have heard of fight or flight,
it’s kind of like white noise at this point
if you’re anything like me.
In this post I’m looking at this human behaviour
from the perspective of
why when you’re under stress,
does your ability to take action
surrender to reaction?

Now I’m only talking about the places
where more healing needs to happen,
for in the places where you have healed, or never needed to,
your ability to take action will not be superseded by reaction.

A case in point in my life recently.
An unexpected crisis arose in my working life.
My problem-solving instinct kicked in,
and I dealt with things one after the other after the other.
Imagining after each problem solved, that this was the end of it.
I would breathe a sigh of relief go to bed and arise the next morning to ….
you guessed it, a new crisis.
(I’m sure this has never happened to you.)

This went on for weeks,
and because I was so reactive to the next crisis being problem solved,
I just kept going like a little energizer bunny.
(If you don’t get the reference, ask some old people.
Oh and by the by, it’s not like we’d had a cataclysmic disaster
and needed to put self care on hold
because self care at that point was trying to not die!)

Before I knew it, January was over and
I had worked 100 hours on this particular project
over and above other business.

Now knowing what I know about addiction and my own patterns of behaviour,
when I’m stressed out, I am usually blatantly aware of my moods,
of my timing, what I eat, how long I sleep, am I happy or sad.
This self-awareness is how I got to sobriety.
Well along with many, many healing ceremonies (Blatant plug.)
This crisis however had a client who was thousands of miles away,
was fighting cancer, and was just not able at that time here to deal with these crises.
(This is how I rationalized ignoring my self-care.
Again I’m sure you’ve never done that)

I had committed to a small project that went completely sideways,
and felt obligated to solve it as many people were involved,
and many people unhappy.
(It’s always important to make others happy
before yourself ….. NOT!)
I went back into addictive mode completely focused on only one need,
and that need was to get each new crisis solved.
I knew my eating habits have gone into the toilet,
I just didn’t have time to cook properly like I usually do.
I was grabbing things on-the-fly which for me is disastrous
as when I don’t feed myself with nourishing food that makes me feel satisfied
I get, well really, really, really cranky …..
I ignored it.
What I also know about myself
is that when I work over and above a certain amount of  hours in a day,
again it throws me completely out of whack.
I was so consumed with the problems I was juggling
that I was not sleeping well, which again is a very big red flag for me.
Yet I persevered until I started crying at some point every day,
and after three days of crying jags,
I had my very first panic attack.
In this moment the proverbial straw that broke the camels’ back happened
and my self preservation and self-care kicked in.
Within 24 hours I had new people hired and in place
to handle what I could no longer do.

That was five days ago
and now I am back into my regular routine
and feel sane again.

My actions had surrendered to re-action mode.
This was still my choice,
my lack of boundaries in this situation,
my attachment to problem-solving for someone I cared about,
at the cost of my own self-care.

The take away from all this was that I gained
a new level of self-awareness,
a new level of healing
a new level of being able to say no.
After the above story you may well think
‘A new level of being to say no?
You didn’t say no until you had a panic attack!’
but for me this was a new level of saying no.
In the past I would’ve carried on regardless,
through the tears through the panic attack.

We are all at choice in every moment,
however we all have an inner patterns and behaviours,
and they run just like computer apps.
Some of them are learned behaviours
some of them are adaptive behaviours
but once they are triggered they run.
So once you double-click that particular app.
until you quit that app.
it runs.

So the question is how to quit the apps. that you run permanently?

The only way that happens is through self-awareness.

How you get to your self-awareness has multiple pathways,
but unless you choose to look at who you are
and what apps. you run,
every single time an app. is double clicked
you will continue to run it, in the exact same way as you did before.

So what do you think?
Is it time for you to write any new apps?

HEALING through CEREMONY, healing, ceremony, healing ceremony, shamanism, past history, past relationship, pain, past relationship pain be gone, Michele fire-river heart, medicine woman, Gabriola island, British Columbia, Canada

You’re in the drivers seat of your healing journey

For most of you getting into the driver seat of a car was a process. As children you were driven around by people, then you got to that magical age of being allowed to drive, you learnt to drive and now you are your own driver.

Your healing journey is much the same.
Stage One: an awareness that something needs to change
Stage Two: an awareness that healing has to happen in order for you to change
Stage Three: you are ready and willing to heal and change
Stage Four: you gain some knowledge that affords you the ability to heal and change
Stage Five: you apply that knowledge, resulting in a healing change happening.
Stage Six: increased freedom, increased self acceptance, increased self-esteem
Stage Seven: rinse and repeat Stage Five and Six.

You are in the drivers seat of Your own healing journey,
no matter what help you get along the way,
you are still the one
who has the power to change
or the power to stay the same.

What I have noticed is the universe supports the journey. Opportunities to heal any issue get presented to you, over and over and over again until you are complete with that particular issue and no longer need the opportunity to heal it. Even better is the fact that you will no longer be at the mercy of your past history and buttons in regard to that particular issue, even if you’re faced with that issue again there is no button left to be pushed. Once you set an intent to heal something, opportunities just arise that afford you the ability to fast track that healing and therefore change your life far more quickly than if you have no awareness and set no intent. What also tends to happen is when we ignore the opportunities, hehehe the universe ups the ante and the opportunities become harder and harder to ignore. Personally I have found that working with opportunities as quickly as I can, diminishes the fallout in my world that happens when I ignore them.

~ Less fall out
~ Less for me to clean up
~ A much shorter path to healing and change.

So, you can get drunk with your best friend and whine about why the latest relationship you’re in is so much like the last, or how you have discovered that this new partner has the same traits as a past one, but it just looked different so you didn’t see it at first. You can bemoan all the bad things your partner, your mother or other people ‘do to you’
you can start to look at
~ why you feel that way
~ why you allow yourself to be put down
~ why you put yourself down
~ why you are often depressed
~ why you feel like shit
~ why you are waking up with a hangover yet again

OR you can choose to get in the drivers seat of your life
AND the healing journey that accompanies us all.
None of us are free and clear of past baggage, habits, wounds,
it’s the quantity that varies
and how you deal with it when it surfaces
that changes how you experience your life.

You are doing the best in every moment even if it doesn’t look pretty,
but wouldn’t it be nice if it was easier,
if your life had less trauma and drama,
if you could wake up happy and go to bed happy?

It’s not a cake walk, but it is attainable.

You can release your past and heal,
without telling stories,
without floods of tears,
without it being work.

Healing ceremonies are powerful ancient tools that afford you this opportunity.

May your journey be powerful
May your heart be happy
May your healing be swift

Walk in Beauty